Ask Fudge
He fears the vacuum.
He comprehends
the human condition.
Dear Fudge,
My husband and I have been through a lot in our short time together. We bought a house right after our wedding that was out of our price range but we figured that we’d work really hard to afford it and put off having kids until we were more established in our real estate careers (we’re both in mentorship programs in brokerages and the hours are crazy).
Shortly after we moved in my husband suffered a debilitating back injury, forcing him to drastically reduce his hours while he recovered. It’s been eight months, and he’s still not one hundred percent better. We don’t have health insurance and the bills are piling up, but I’m working as many hours as I can to help offset the costs. I even took a second job waiting tables, and I pick up as many shifts as possible.
But I’m exhausted. I’ve lost a ton of weight, I don’t sleep well, and my hair is even starting to fall out from the stress. But he just seems to be….relaxing. He doesn’t work as much as he could, and he spends a lot of his free time planning on making some improvements to the house- which we already can’t afford. And last night he told me he wants to take some more real estate courses to upgrade his certifications- which means I’ll have to keep on working at this pace.
I know I said for better or worse, but why can’t he see how tired I am, how much I need a break? How do I make him help me without sounding selfish?
Sincerely,
Haley M.
Whether it’s under a shade tree or right in the middle of the street, I lay down and don’t budge until I’ve made it clear that I’m done walking. Sure, it took her awhile to get the memo and initially there was some uncomfortable tugging on my leash and a bit of name-calling (I don’t know what a “Lazy Potato Butt” is, but I don’t think it’s a good thing), but I stuck to my guns until she got the message. And now our walks are much more enjoyable- for me. And she had to come up with an alternative plan to get her steps in.
So my advice is to be open and clear with your husband. Sit him down and calmly tell him that you’re done. Offer to work with him on coming up with a different strategy to reach his goals (one that doesn’t require you to carry the whole load) and invite him to work together as a team to solve the issues you face. There’s a chance that he may not even be aware that you’re under such stress and have reached your limit.
But if he pushes back and argues about it, that is information too. And you’ll have to decide how you want to handle that- you may want to insist on therapy so you can work out why he thinks your needs are less important than his. You may want to reevaluate your whole commitment if he is unwilling to meet you halfway. Or maybe it’s something as simple as deciding to decrease your debt load and downsize on the house.
You deserve to live in a healthy, balanced way and you deserve to have your needs met as well. But until you lay down in protest, nothing will change.
And whether you’ve gone two short blocks or eight long months, only you can decide when you’ve had enough.
Woof Woof,
Fudgie
You are asking how to make your husband see that you’re tired and need him to step up, but that’s not what I’m hearing. What I’m hearing is: “How do I vocalize my needs and make another person recognize, respect and support them?”
I’ll start with the simplest strategy first- have you expressed any of this to him?
My hooman has this bizarre habit of taking long walks with me. She gets this gleam in her eye and when she puts the special shoes on her feet and the little radio things in her ears, I know I’m in for the Bataan Death March. She seems to think it’s “good for me” and that I “need the exercise.” And it is fun- at first. But after awhile, I get too hot and my legs get too tired and I’m pretty sure someone is sitting in my special spot on the couch while I’m out there being marched up and down sidewalks on my own personal Trail of Tears.
So now when I’ve had enough, I stop.
Dear Haley,
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