Ask Fudge

He fears the vacuum.

He comprehends the human condition.

It’s been a tough year for me. I got laid off from my job of nine years In January and I’ve also been struggling with hypothyroidism, which makes me feel tired, moody and anxious, among other things. At first my partner was supportive, but by April he said he needed a break from all of the “drama” and moved out.

I spent a month or two just floundering around but I’m trying to pull myself back together. I’ve joined a gym and am trying to eat better, and have begun looking for work instead of lying on the couch all day. I even tried journaling and meditating. And it was kind of helpful. I feel a little more in control. But… I’ve also started drinking more and sleeping in longer. And I feel so emotional all the time! I know that’s not healthy. I want to start dating again, but I don’t know if I’m ready or if I’m just faking it by forcing myself to be “normal.” I’m afraid I will fall apart at the next job interview or date. I don’t know if I’m doing it right, and I don’t even know what “right” is supposed to fee l like.

How do I know if I’m healing or just getting better at pretending? And how long will it take?

Sincerely,

Sarah K.

Dear Fudge,

posits, and any actions we take during the process- even the seemingly self-destructive, chaotic, or “wrong” ones, are actually signs that we are actively engaging with our pain. And that is better than denial and avoidance. Mr. Levine says, “The man who is screaming is in better shape than the man who is quietly numb. The man who is drinking may be closer to healing than the man who is screaming. There are levels to healing, and movement—however messy—is often a sign of life returning.”

The best way to navigate this period is to keep on moving through it instead of putting it under a microscope. Some days you might want to rise at dawn and exercise, while on others you may only be able to DoorDash a bottle of wine and a bag of Milk Bones from the couch.

Ironically, just being in the moment without judging it or without trying to look for the next level is often the fastest way through. So go on the date if you feel up to it, interview for the job if you can get off the couch, and give yourself grace for even trying whether it pans out or not. When healing from trauma, success isn’t defined by outer metrics, but by movement.

Movement = Life, and the person who is shrieking like a deranged cat while clutching a shredded Kleenex box may actually be further along on their healing journey than the one sitting frozen and numb in the corner.

Woof Woof,

Fudgie

Like that one time my hooman left a dangerous box of Kleenex out on the coffee table and I had to destroy it for all of our safety’s sake, life can get messy fast. And there is no one right way to go about cleaning up the mess, nor an established timeline for processing it.

When we are in the mess, we’re struggling for control. And one of the easiest ways to do that is to force it: we tell ourselves that we “should” be doing a thing and we “should” be acting a certain way. It’s a way to get back on the path, so to speak, when we’ve lost our compass and someone (cough) has shredded the map.

But that’s just not the way it works.

Renowned author and meditation teacher Stephen Levine espouses the concept that not only does healing not look like it “should”-it’s downright untidy. There are levels to healing, he

Dear Sarah,

Got a question for Fudge? Submit it here.